Funny Horoscopes From 'The Onion'

These Horoscopes are from the news paper called 'The Onion'. Do not take them seriously and please have a sense of humor... The writers and myself personally do not mean to offend anyone.

Aries (March 21-April 19) :
You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.

Gemini (May 21-June 21):
You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $ on a $60 check.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.

Leo (July 23 - August 22):
Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mamma is so fat almost anything can be said about her.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22):
You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay---- you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.

Libra (September 23 - October 23):
You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.
Scorpio ( October 24- November 21): After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste test.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them into the trash when not using them.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where the cameras are hidden.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.

Pisces (February 19- March 20):
For 15 terrifying minutes, the universe does indeed revolve around you, causing the death of billions because you decide to skip rope.